The Big Hot Morning Show’s Cari and Stunt wrote up some not-so-appropriate Valentine’s Day cards you should definitely NOT send to your significant other.


  1. To me, you’ll always be desirous, even if you catch the coronavirus.
  2. Of all the people in the world, I love you the mostest…except for that hot Hooters hostess.
  3. Roses are red, violets are blue…you look like Steve Buscemi, so I’ll avoid you.
  4. When I saw you, I swiped right and now, I regret that every night.
  5. We’ve shared times of love and hope and glory but now we’re like the couple from “Marriage Story”.
  6. You take my breath away but not as much as autoerotic asphyxiation.
  7. It’s not easy to say. But I’ll give it a try: I married you for money. And pray that you die.
  8. I want to take you out for steak and shrimp but I won’t because you make my junk go limp.
  9. Your body is perfect. I think of it each hour which is why I hid a camera, to watch you shower.
  10. A girl like you is very hard to find . . . ya know, just like your G-spot.
  11. Let’s thank the Lord that you were born . . . by watching some hardcore porn.
  12. Happy Valentine’s Day to my handsome guy . . . but it’s your brother I’d like to try.
  13. Who would have known, not even an astrologist . . . that I’d marry the nurse of my proctologist.
  14. You are the person that I want to marry… and then quit my family, like Meghan and Harry.
  15. Roses are red, violets are blue. And thanks to you, my junk is green.
  16. What would I do without you? Oh, have fun.
  17. Be mine. Now, DAMMITT!



  • The Big Hot Morning Show with Cari & Stunt